Schedule some girls' nights out. January 20, 2012, 9:53 am. I can see his point about just sitting around the house so get out and be a tourist in your hometown. Honestly, if my only options after being away for so long are sit at home or visit with people where things are happening, I would choose the later. My family lives a 45 mins train ride out of Grand Central (not including hopping a cab or the subway to get to GCT- and then the ride to their place once we get off the train) and if I made my boyfriend go with me once a week to see them he would be less than thrilled. I married an apron-strings boy like that. bluesunday artsygirl At the center, authority figures in a power position, you typically have parents or other guardians. he also said all the right things, like baby i wouldnt do that your friends just dont like me, etc etc. WebWe spend far more time during the year with husbands family. im kind of confused. Your boyfriend is spending every weekend at his parents house because you are enabling that to happen. So make it clear to them in advance that they cannot come unannounced, that you cannot go to their place every weekend, and if you want to celebrate a holiday yourself, that is your business. ReginaRey Anne has since finished her probation and has a 5-year-old son who my mother dotes on. FireStar Yea, I mean this could be two things: a mere annoyance or an over the top mom. Youre lifestyles dont mesh and they probably never will. It seems like this is something that would be pretty easy to compromise on. Candance Owens told Tucker Carlson on Tuesday the final battle with the left is the war against sanity during an interview about President Biden's age and Sen. John Fetterman's mental issues. November 29, 2019, 5:49 pm, Angelique Unless theres a legitimate reason, like a sick/dying family member, that he needs to be home all the time, escaping his life with you in the city means he doesnt value your needs and you dont share the same interests. when we went to move in together we just said ok, what price range are you looking for. "I lets_be_honest By the same token, I DO need to get out as well; just staying in every weekend gets old pretty fast. Theres nothing inherently wrong with wanting to spend a ton of time with your family. Im not saying get all this stuff figured out in one convo, im saying by the time you move in together you should know most of these things about the other person and you should fill in the blanks on ALL of them moving in together. It would be a waste to find someone you genuinely enjoy spending time with, only to lose the chance to be with them because of your lack of awareness or an inability January 20, 2012, 9:10 am. January 4, 2021, 3:30 am. Through good communication and a fair division of labor, these chores can be tolerable or even enjoyable. Like, I just went to The Niagara falls of Pennsylvania it was no Niagara but a nice day trip. When family is in town, we spend almost every waking minute visiting. In my experience, if you manage to schedule some quality couple time whatever activity counts as that for you every weekend, youre likely to care much less about visiting the in-laws etc. I asked him all the time if 1. we could have weekends where we spent more time just with each other and 2. maybe even have one every once in awhile where he didnt see his parents, that was just us my argument being that I never got a weekend to relax at home and have him come to mei was always either driving to him or driving an hour out to his parents for the weekend and spending the night and all that. You can be with his family every weekend and every holiday, but he can never be with yours. He considers you a party breaker because you dont want to sit all day every weekend with his family and listen to the same stories. January 20, 2012, 10:52 am. Should I Ask Out My Hot Massage Therapist?, When Do You Know Its Time to Break Up With Someone?, My Daughter is Trying to Ruin My Relationship. No, spending 1 or 2 weekends with the parents or your boyfriends isnt that many, but it is, if you dont get to see your boyfriend at all in between these times. Dear Ann Cannon So my only son and his wife have been married for almost four years. Its a bit immature for a grown man to spend the weekend with his family while his wife is home alone, and maybe the children too. There are no steadfast rules when it comes to spending time with extended family. But the way you split the total cost of living should be established before you decide to move in together. Just remember how he didnt want tomove out of his parents house. I think the LW is saying shes being guilted, by the parents and the boyfriend. He even startedtalking badly about your family, and you feel he wants to distance you from them. If he goes alone to see his parents, I do slightly disagree with Wendys implication that this means he is choosing them over her. Which wouldnt have happened before since she maybe didnt realize how much he wanted to/did see his family. This is how children are taught. I like to relax at home. I think more than anything, you have to have a VERY solid foundation of good communication to have a successful live-in relationshipand this letter makes me feel, at least, that they havent been together long enough to achieve that. Parents are supposed to prepare their kids for the real world, the best that they can. . Also, let him know that the paying for tickets to the suburbs is expensive for you, so ask if he would be willing to limit the number of times that you go to visit his parents (say once a month). Self-reflection should always come first when we want to repair relationships with others, especially important people. This boyfriend seems like one of those people whose default is go home. I bet when he lived at home he barely left the house. when we have an issue with something we just say lets talk about it. I lived in his hometown and so did his parents. I see someone who wants to maximize the amount of time he spends with people he cares about, and I get not caring if its the LWs couch or his parents couch, hence the activity suggestions. Maybe a couple times a week for dinner. Some people are just like that and you have to try not to take it personally. One thing that stood out was the mention of the division of expenses, LW even though you put it almost just as an aside, I think its something you really should discuss with your BF. You really do have to take strong measures to get through to them. The only way that this would be acceptable is if his wife is fine with this arrangement and she enjoys having quiet time to herself. Youve already talked to your boyfriend about your feelings and he doesnt think hes doing anything weird. The thing is, whether or not his behavior is weird is irrelevant. It isnt every weekend though, he is gone every week, coming home only some weekends. January 20, 2012, 11:26 am. I never realized it actually made people feel like shit though. Dear Demetria: Im a newlywed. January 20, 2012, 11:41 am. From unexpected work obligations on the weekend to sudden business travel demands, one partners professional goals and ambitions can impose stress on a And when it comes to something as important and serious to me as moving in with someone, assumption just aint gonna cut it. That is, if a potential BF invites me to a restaurant, and it is way beyond my price line, I will tell him right then and there, that this would not be my choice, and give an example of one that suits me more. My boyfriend goes to his mom and dads every weekend doesnt think me or my children with him he used to text me all the time and call me he doesnt do that anymore weve been together 3 years and there any place he ever takes me is to the grocery store and back home and he doesnt even hardly touch or kiss or anything anymore I tell him I love him all the time hell tell me back but I feel that he just tells me because he doesnt want it to hurt me. If she is like lets do XYZ and he says no, lets sit at momsyeah thats a little off. your husband wants to visit his family without you, doesnt want to spend Christmas with your family, You and your husband wanting to live in different places. Just set a boundary that you wont spend more than so-and-so-many hours there and get ready to leave when you want to. He knows the most delicious homemade lunch prepared by his mom (he probably thinks you can never cook as well as his mother) is waiting for him. realizing that we dont have to spend every minute together and that its ok if we wants to visit his parents for a weekend while I stay home and go out with the girls. She doesnt mention doing it with him at all. YES! We just got thru the holidays. Keep in mind that anything that upsets this balance is going to seem drastic. GatorGirl I wonder if part of this is having to share your time with someone else. January 20, 2012, 8:02 am. June 18, 2014, 9:59 am, Haha, I think this is quite extreme. Husband says we will spend Christmasses together when we have our own family. Just the fact that his mom is dropping by unannounced makes me uncomfortable, considering the current state of the world. And next weekend. YES! says that maybe he needs to transition from one house to the next, seeing as its only been three weeks. Summer and fall is half the year. Then you need a different boyfriend. Why My Husband Thinks Taking Care of the Baby is Easy: 3 Reasons. And you are right, regardless of anything, if she has a problem with it, he should be able to find a compromise that makes everyone happy. To me it would be so weird if I came home and was a short drive from my parents, but just sat around my own house vs going there and socializing and seeing my family. Have you told him its not a matter of him being weird or not weird for spending so much of his limited free time with his parents but that its about you wanting more alone time with him? So much fun and you find really cool new spots to hang out too. Ive put my head in the sand in relationships as well before. Plus his parents never made him feel like thats what he had to be doing. I am close with my family and, if they lived in the same city as me, yeah, Id probably want to see them at least once a week. But the way you spend your money, in my opinion, shouldnt change. Well, then you are simply NOT a match. It is clear that his family comes first, and your family and your wishes are less important to him. ), and just talk about the big issues in general money, social life, work, goals, values, etc. Dont people like to do things in their cities? No ones a bad person for saying these things (except my aunt, shes the worst and in a league of her own), but if youre someone for whom this feels like guilting, it can start making you feel so bad. You mention what you used to do when your were single. Hes not weird to want to spend time with his parents, and if shes gone along with it until now, getting him to change wont be easy. Lemongrass whose name does the electric go in, who sets up cable? Then offer a compromise. Do you both work very long hours or something that he cant muster up enthusiasm to do fun things with you? Heck, some people are just like that. If that doesnt work if he wont set aside some time for the two of you, or if you need more distance from his family than hes willing or able to manage, then Im afraid its MOA time. That was a reply to LBHFor some reason, it is not posting in the correct thread, lets_be_honest One thing you can try before just accepting things as they are or moving on already is to start scheduling activities and day trips on the weekends that your boyfriend is home. Do something small to build trust, and then your relationship will slowly but surely flourish. The last few years, he's wanted to go to holidays with his family, it's important to him, and I've wanted to spend my Thats what I wondered why does she have to go with every weekend? Same goes for his family out in Queens. If money is tight, you dont even have to plan expensive excursions. I dont think the parents issue is as big of a deal as the not-communicating-about-money-very-well thing. Or pick berries. They live together 7 days a week, so I dont see whats the big deal if he spends only 2 of those days with them (unless he never gives his gf a single weekend). If he still caves, or prefers spending time with parents rather than exploring the city with LW, then at least LW will have determined exactly where she stands and be able to make the appropriate decision about whether or not to stay with bf. To me, it is not strange at all to spend some time every weekend with your family. ForeverYoung I can totally see this though, wanting to chill at the parents. He feels guilty for leaving them, feels comfortable with them, or runs away from some problems he has with you. . He likely will turn into the bf, or if they marry the husband, who is the stay-at-home couch potato, while LW pines for outside the home activities. 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